Sassy Pants

Someone who has been very near and dear to me for a very long time has recently been going through some rough stuff in her marriage. Her husband, we'll call him Mr. Asshat McJerkface, recently informed her, in no uncertain terms, that he is seriously considering leaving her. That he is no longer attracted to her now that she's fat and older, that she is a pathetic shell of the woman he married, that he's had opportunities to cheat on her (but hasn't yet, supposedly), and that he's bored and wants to start over. So yes, Mr. Asshat McJerkface.

This person and I went out to dinner last night. She was feeling very blue and lonely, and so she needed to talk about it. She had thought things were getting back to normal, going better, and she'd confronted him about it the night before because she needed to hear from him that maybe things were getting better. And Asshat's response? "If you're getting impatient with my indecision, you won't like the decision I make." Are you fucking kidding me? Needless to say, she was feeling pretty beaten up.

Now I'd like to pause and say this: it is really easy to look at this situation and go "Run girl. Get the hell out! Why do you want to be with someone who would treat you this way anyway?" But the reality of life is that things are not always that simple. She still loves him. The truth is, he's always been kind of a McJerkface. But he's her McJerkface and she has invested a shit ton of time and energy into a relationship that has spanned quite a bit of time. While he is an asshole, he has never been physically abusive. And he hasn't been verbally abusive until recently. Finally, she has to consider her financial well-being. Divorce ain't cheap. And it's very messy and time consuming and emotionally draining. It's not something you rush into.

And so, Mrs. McJerkface needed the mother of all peptalks. And to my surprise, I was able to provide it. Perhaps because this is a situation that I can relate to in many ways. I have been the doormat girlfriend. The one who gets her shit together just long enough to keep him from leaving, only to push him further away with my own insecurities days later. The one who felt like she couldn't do it alone. She doesn't know how, she's forgotten. She just wants everything to go back to the way it used to be. Please, if she just pretends this isn't happening, won't it go away?

And so I looked this person straight in the face and I told her: you will not hold on to him if you continue to ask him what you can do for him. If you keep trying so hard to keep him here, you will eventually chase him away. You have to focus on improving yourself for YOU. Because you want to look better, feel better, be better. Because you know that you CAN do it on your own, that you WILL get through it, that you are NOT alone. Because you can, you will and you aren't.

I told her that she has to stop letting his opinion of her define her opinion of herself. Yes, his opinion matters. It matters to her more than anyone else's. But it shouldn't be the only one. There are plenty of people who think she's fabulous, even if she is "fat and older." In fact, that's one of the reasons he isn't gone already. Because everyone would look at him and go "what the fuck are you doing? She's awesome! You're an idiot." Because he is an idiot. An Asshat McJerkface.

And I told her she has to get mad. Put on her punching gloves and climb in the ring. She doesn't want to play games, but the reality is, he's already started the game without her. Is she going to just stand there and keep taking punches, or is she going to take a few swings herself?

"I know," she said, "I've got to put my sassy pants back on." You're damn right! You dig those spandex, sequin-covered fancy pants out of the back of your emotional closet and you pull those suckers on and zip them up!

And then you tell that sonuvabitch he's a fat, lazy asshole and who the hell does he think he is? Talking to you like that! It is not acceptable for him to talk to anyone like that, especially someone who has stood behind him through credit woes, substance abuse and job loss! His opinion has been registered, thank you, and now he can shut the hell up. He wants to leave? Fine. But you're not gonna make it any easier for him. You won't make that decision. You're gonna stay and fight. So how about he quit pointing his fat finger at you and they work on fixing this marriage TOGETHER.

And then you z-snap those pretty little fingers and turn around and walk away.

Cause here's the thing, ladies. To quote one of my new favorite bloggers, Doods are Dumb. The harder you try to please them, the less attractive you are to them. When Mrs. McJerkface and Mr. McJerkface met, she was way too good for him. She was an independent woman, smart and capable and sassy. She was way out of his league and she wasn't interested. And he loved it. That's what he's looking for, that woman in her sassy pants. And the reality is? She's still too good for him, but neither of them sees it.

Live for you, for your happiness. You can't take care of anyone else nearly as effectively if you don't take care of yourself first. Maybe she should run. Maybe it won't work out. But it doesn't change the fact that she has morphed into someone she doesn't want to be. She has to put herself back together before their marriage has any chance.

It's hard to be a wife, a mother, a full-time employee wearing sassy pants. As your role changes, so does your metaphorical outfit. But those sassy pants are still in a box in the closet somewhere, and it's time to whip them out. It's time to stand up and say "Fuck you, you don't get to treat me this way." It's time to say it to Mr. McJerkface and to herself. It's the very first step on their road to recovery.

And she'll find them and put them on, and she'll look absolutely fabulous.